is it silly?
silly that I’m terrified
terrified that on day
one day you’ll awaken
awaken and realize that
that you don’t love me
you don’t love me anymore
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17.6.13
5.6.13
A Letter to Myself at Age Five
Dear Little Girl,
Continue to play. Be happy. This is the happiest time of your life. You are safe now. Everything is how it should be. Your parents love you and you love them. You have two loving kitties and will start Pre-K soon. Good luck.
You have no idea what lies ahead but I promise you'll make it at least this far. You'll still be breathing by your 18th year. I love you, so I tell you to love yourself. I love you as you are now, innocent and young. I long to drag you from your hiding spot under the table next to the stairs. I long to gather you into my arms and hug you tight and break it to you that everything will get harder and you'll learn to hate. Hate not only others but yourself as well, above all yourself. Then I long to cry. To squeeze you to me and cry fat tears for the happiness and the innocence and the years that I lost. That you will lose. I mourn our loss. I want to reassure you to be strong and fight. Enjoy this happiness and where you are; it will become extremely precious. You are so sweet, beautiful, and bright. You possess so much potential.
Remember all my words to you and how much more I wish I could say. I can't say you'll be fine or happy because you won't. I can't say you'll love yourself or your family because you won't. I can't say you'll be popular or surrounded by friends because you won't. And I can't say you'll want contentment or life because you won't.
But what I can say is that you'll travel to all corners of the world. Places you can't even dream of at five. You'll travel to China and walk the Great Wall. You'll travel to Germany and long for it every second you're gone. You'll travel to France and visit Paris, the City of Lights. You'll travel to Holland and visit a city crossed by canals. You'll visit Austria and wander through wealthy streets and beautiful towns. You'll see so much of the world you never dreamed was there.
I can say that you'll learn languages, communication. You'll share jokes with people in words you never thought you'd understand. Words that spin a golden thread binding you to people in far off lands and monuments and cobbled streets from long ago. You will be forever connected to thousands of worlds and thousands of people and faces and sentences and words and paragraphs you never thought you'd say. You'll hear words and speeches that make you roll with laughter or shake with sobs. All of this from the power of speech and voice. All of this through language and sounds and words.
I can say that you'll learn. You'll learn as you please, gathering and collecting information as you go along. Remembering bits and snippets of history and people's lives and what they did with them. You'll hunger for more knowledge of long ago princes and princesses, learning their kingdoms and their life. You will possess so much information of the days already gone. I promise. This information on other's lives will fill you up, patching gaps in your heart and soul with the content of another's. You will complete your life by stealing this and that from those you admire and long to know or be. It is glorious in its twisted absurdity.
And most of all, best of all, I can say that you'll meet a boy. I know boys are foreign and weird right now but just listen. You'll know him for so long and never realize his true worth. But soon you'll realize so much about him is so kind and wonderful and he is everything you need. Believe me you need him. So hold onto him! Please, please do. Because this is a boy who listens to every word you say and doesn't pass judgement. He holds you every time you cry and comforts you for every need you possess. This boy will stand by you and lead you through the darkness when you are blind to the light. He can tell your every feeling and thought and always knows just the right thing to do or say to provide comfort and healing. He helps you through every single moment of crisis and lets you open your heart and your head to him and he loves you all the more for it and that is truly a miracle. He is worth so much more than you give him credit for and he gives you so much unconditional love and patience and kindness. Even when you're a your most infuriating, stuck in your own world of darkness and self pity, refusing to see any good in anything, he will still love you. And you will still love him. As you will forever.
In summation, I cannot offer you much advice or even a positive look onto the future. You'll be sad and lonely and scared. You'll be stuck so deep down you don't know how to escape and won't want to. You'll be utterly hopeless and horribly confused. But I can offer these few rays of light. The future you face is rough; you'll cry often and hope for terrible things. But there will be times when you smile. And when you do it's all the more sweeter to taste.
Gillian
Continue to play. Be happy. This is the happiest time of your life. You are safe now. Everything is how it should be. Your parents love you and you love them. You have two loving kitties and will start Pre-K soon. Good luck.
You have no idea what lies ahead but I promise you'll make it at least this far. You'll still be breathing by your 18th year. I love you, so I tell you to love yourself. I love you as you are now, innocent and young. I long to drag you from your hiding spot under the table next to the stairs. I long to gather you into my arms and hug you tight and break it to you that everything will get harder and you'll learn to hate. Hate not only others but yourself as well, above all yourself. Then I long to cry. To squeeze you to me and cry fat tears for the happiness and the innocence and the years that I lost. That you will lose. I mourn our loss. I want to reassure you to be strong and fight. Enjoy this happiness and where you are; it will become extremely precious. You are so sweet, beautiful, and bright. You possess so much potential.
Remember all my words to you and how much more I wish I could say. I can't say you'll be fine or happy because you won't. I can't say you'll love yourself or your family because you won't. I can't say you'll be popular or surrounded by friends because you won't. And I can't say you'll want contentment or life because you won't.
But what I can say is that you'll travel to all corners of the world. Places you can't even dream of at five. You'll travel to China and walk the Great Wall. You'll travel to Germany and long for it every second you're gone. You'll travel to France and visit Paris, the City of Lights. You'll travel to Holland and visit a city crossed by canals. You'll visit Austria and wander through wealthy streets and beautiful towns. You'll see so much of the world you never dreamed was there.
I can say that you'll learn languages, communication. You'll share jokes with people in words you never thought you'd understand. Words that spin a golden thread binding you to people in far off lands and monuments and cobbled streets from long ago. You will be forever connected to thousands of worlds and thousands of people and faces and sentences and words and paragraphs you never thought you'd say. You'll hear words and speeches that make you roll with laughter or shake with sobs. All of this from the power of speech and voice. All of this through language and sounds and words.
I can say that you'll learn. You'll learn as you please, gathering and collecting information as you go along. Remembering bits and snippets of history and people's lives and what they did with them. You'll hunger for more knowledge of long ago princes and princesses, learning their kingdoms and their life. You will possess so much information of the days already gone. I promise. This information on other's lives will fill you up, patching gaps in your heart and soul with the content of another's. You will complete your life by stealing this and that from those you admire and long to know or be. It is glorious in its twisted absurdity.
And most of all, best of all, I can say that you'll meet a boy. I know boys are foreign and weird right now but just listen. You'll know him for so long and never realize his true worth. But soon you'll realize so much about him is so kind and wonderful and he is everything you need. Believe me you need him. So hold onto him! Please, please do. Because this is a boy who listens to every word you say and doesn't pass judgement. He holds you every time you cry and comforts you for every need you possess. This boy will stand by you and lead you through the darkness when you are blind to the light. He can tell your every feeling and thought and always knows just the right thing to do or say to provide comfort and healing. He helps you through every single moment of crisis and lets you open your heart and your head to him and he loves you all the more for it and that is truly a miracle. He is worth so much more than you give him credit for and he gives you so much unconditional love and patience and kindness. Even when you're a your most infuriating, stuck in your own world of darkness and self pity, refusing to see any good in anything, he will still love you. And you will still love him. As you will forever.
In summation, I cannot offer you much advice or even a positive look onto the future. You'll be sad and lonely and scared. You'll be stuck so deep down you don't know how to escape and won't want to. You'll be utterly hopeless and horribly confused. But I can offer these few rays of light. The future you face is rough; you'll cry often and hope for terrible things. But there will be times when you smile. And when you do it's all the more sweeter to taste.
Gillian
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