Fucking Done with Math

I'm so fucking done with all of this shit. My parents CONSTANTLY nag me about retaking a fucking math test I got a 70 on as if me retesting and getting an 84 will magically bump my grade 7 points to an A. IT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN. Sorry but no. I'm so fucking done and now my dad is yelling at me in front of Madison, my mom's "wonderhelper" and I'm literally just SO SO SO SO fucking done. no one ever fucking listens to me or even pretends to and I literally can't take it. Just fucking over it.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. my mother just came in and said I should have told her all of this 3 weeks ago. I FUCKING DID! I can't tell you how many times I fucking explained this to you!!! YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTENED TO ME!!! that's the problem! this makes me want to bash my head against a fucking wall!!! you caused me this much stress and anxiety for two whole fucking months as I try to explain that whether I get an 83 or an 85 WILL NOT EFFECT MY GPA and then you have the fucking nerve to come into my room and tell me that i never told you???? Fuck you. just Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hope you fucking love yourself.

I literally have no words for right now. No words at all.

Fuck you.

Please Do Not Tell Me...

New Medications, The Joys of Anti-Depressants

I've started on an anti-depressant. Lexipro it's called. I went to a psychiatrist on Friday and a therapist today. I vowed I would tell them that I tried to kill myself when they asked but when the question was hanging in the air in front of me, expectant looks on both their faces willing me to tell them exactly how bad it could be or maybe is I just couldn't force the words out of my mouth. They just wouldn't escape and go into being. They stayed in my head and wallowed there as the phrase "No, never" slipped out and my innocent mask flitted over my face, willing them, entreating them to believe me that no no no, I would NEVER actually kill myself! thats just not the type of girl I am. Not that type, not that type. I maybe think about it ok ok, maybe it's always in the back of my mind, I can admit that after a bit of a struggle, but no no no, I just can't tell these complete strangers that yes, I think everything would be better off if I died and just stopped living. Everyone would be happy that way. I know it's true. That maybe if I wasn't such a filthy coward and plucked up my courage I could actually take enough of those sleeping pills and just slip slip slip into the sweet darkness that beckons me so softly. Softly. Softly.

An Invasion of Privacy

And somehow life gets shittier. Two weeks ao my parents read through every text i've sent in the past three months. Oh my god, my ones to Ben, my ones to Becca EVERY THING... oh my god oh my god.

I got in SO much trouble. im so so so so so grounded and have no texting and no contact with Ben and never seeing Becca again outside of school. OH MY GOD.

This has caused me SO much stress and anxiety lately I just can't like I can't even.

I just... I don't even know... My mom and dad went through and read every single text of mine for MONTHS... The ones about my boyfriend and I, the ones between Becca and I, EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to do or say... like what am i... oh my god I don't even know... She came into my room that night and had a 2 hour long discussion with me about everything I had written. Like that I was telling my friends about our fights and I wasn't exactly phrasing them in a nice matter in regards to her and that I slept over at Ben's and that we had drank and smoked and oh my god oh my god oh my god. EVERYTHING..... all the awkward texts I send my boyfriend... all our PRIVATE conversations....... ahhhhhh shit shit shit shit





Like what am I supposed to do????