Maybe it's Because

Maybe it's because I miss you so much that I put on my craziest outfit and went to one of those wild dance parties where people lose their bodies and find their souls. Maybe that's why I found myself pressed up against a boy, my eyes shut, my body floating through space, my head ensnared in the music. Maybe that's why when he took me by the hand and led me from the room to the empty parking lot I simply nodded my head and climbed into the temporary privacy of my car with him to fog up the windows as he kissed marks into my neck. Maybe that's why I gave this boy my number and prayed for a text or a call or a smoke signal or something that told me I wasn't worthless and used up to him. Maybe that's why when he did text me and suggest I come over to finish what we started I laughed happily and agreed to do whatever he liked. Maybe that's why when he stopped texting and never answered I started checking my phone constantly because perhaps, perhaps I'd missed the ping of a new string of words to comfort me. Maybe that's why when he finally began speaking again and suggested I come to his friends house that night I agreed and dolled up and drove an hour for him to let me into the house and say his friends on vacation, it's just us two. Maybe that's why when he once again took my hand and led me to a bedroom I followed, dropping my shirt on the way and closing the door behind me so the dog couldn't hear me moan. Maybe that's why when we finished and walked back out and he sat down on the sofa and I sat next to him and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like the world sat in alignment for a moment with all my stars and I swear I could've stayed like that forever. Maybe that's why when the door opened and his friends walked in smoking something hand rolled and hazy and he suggested we go outside to smoke a cigarette under the stars I followed. Maybe that's why as we leaned against my car and his glorious arms were around me and he was breathing deep breaths into my messy hair and he said maybe I could go home then because he promised his friends he'd hang tonight but we'll definitely spend time together again, I laughed and said of course and gathered my things. Maybe that's why when he kissed me goodbye and as an afterthought asked for two of my cigarettes and a promise to meet again, I complied, once again giving him everything he wanted. Maybe that's why when the next morning he texted me asking how I was and was I sore because he sure was, I messaged him back and we talked for hours. Maybe that's why after that day he stopped speaking to me or texting me or calling me or sending smoke signals to me and I felt so goddamn alone again it's almost unbearable. Maybe all of this is because I needed someone, anyone, to love me and hold me because you said you just couldn't anymore because I cried too much and laughed not enough and always did what I was asked.