Contradiction

In out

Every breath promises me

I am still 

Alive

My heart hurts

Stabbing pains over dull ache

Convince me

I'm dying

Why

Is the most terrifying thing

We do

To live

And 

The least painful, coincidentally

Is

Dying

Twice

I feel like I must

Live some sort of

Hollow life stuck

In my hard shell

My tears don't spring

From a gentle fountain

But instead bubble

From runoff. 

Emotions won't come

To me unless it's 

Through the pixelated

Silver of the tv.

I'm made of cotton

No longer flesh and fat

But spun from the 

Dusty crop.

I can't force myself

To feel to feel to feel

All I can ever be is 

Fucking empty. 

Who the hell decided

To make me this way

So goddamn full of

Absolutely nothing

Decay

I wonder if I concentrated

If I could peel away my skin.

To focus my mind

And watch flesh slough away

From my white bones. 

To think hard enough 

And watch yellow fat liquefy

And drip from my ribs

To form slippery puddles 

On the cold ground

Stringy muscles pulled taught

By sinews snap and wither

Twisting to nothing.

All the strength I held 

Turned to rubber bands.

Feel my tongue swell

Then blacken with disease

Until it bursts

And liquid pours from 

My open mouth.

My eyes dim to darkness

Then filmy, milky lenses

Roll from my skull 

Bouncing to the ground

Leaving unfathomable depths

Finally my bones snap

Weakened from years

Of carrying the world

And clatter together in pieces

No larger than a breath. 

Fire

We dip and sway,

Caught in the gentle waves.

Floating on air

Turning with the winds.

And outside my window

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

A carpet of glittering cities

Spreads underneath me

Rainbow like a film of oil

Slick on a water's surface. 

And on the horizon 

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

Chill bites my skin

Through the window 

Frosted with tiny snowflakes

That I study in silence

And through the crystals I see

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

With a tiny bump

I shatter through the fog

The earth swallows me

Telling me I am home

And I whisper to myself

My heart is on fire,

My heart is on fire. 

Smoke and Tears

And how the fuck did we get here?

How the fuck did we get here?

Crying in a church parking lot,

Chain smoking, the three of us. 

We're all sobbing at our fucking wreck of a life,

We're nothing

We're no one.

Useless. 

I love you 

I love you. 

My friends. 

My heart sisters. 

But why are we crying? 

Puffing out clouds in the chilly air. 

Crouched on the ground,

Leaning against your jeep. 

Trying to laugh 

But we can only cry. 

We're fucked up,

We've got problems. 

How will we ever find what we're looking for?

We won't,

We won't. 

We're stuck here forever,

Twenty years old, 

Crying and smoking,

Trying not to fade away

Like we've seen our parents do. 

All we want is happiness,

Is that too much to ask?

From the sandy ground 

Of a Florida church parking lot

Surrounded by smoke and tears.