Tonight.

How do I turn out like this? That's what always fly across my head. What in the world did I do to have all these things running through me... Today my parents pulled me from school to make me go to the doctor's for a sign off for blood work and an MRI in their desperate attempt at seeing what's wrong with me. Can't they see it's them? It's how they treat me, how they talk to me, how they never listen to me. It's everything. The ignoring, the faces, the exasperated noises, the whispers, the comments. Everything. It pushes me closer and closer to the edge of this giant, grey cliff sitting at the corner of my mind and when I look down off the edge, thinking Maybe if I jump it'll all end I see pointy rocks and rolling rapids and certain death. And every time they shove me up to the drop with their little finger pokes and massive shoves, I consider jumping. Fuck, I'd like to. But I'm too cowardly. I'd need some way that doesn't hurt, I'm afraid of the pain. Recently I researched into Antifreeze poisoning.  But that's three days of torment. I need something fast. Where I turn out like a light. Switch! and Gillian is gone. Forever. Never to feel the pain of words again. Immune to the daggers flung at her every day. Peaceful. On into the next life.

I believe in reincarnation. I have a real hard time imagining all of the world's dead people galavanting around on clouds in golden sunshine. Eternally. So I believe in something I feel is far more practical. Reincarnation. I grasp on to the desperate hope that I will receive a second chance. To live a happy life. One where I don't cry every night and wish to be dead and beyond everything else. I want that for my next life. Maybe in my last life I killed myself too. Got it all over with and just drew a knife across my own throat. Red blood spurting. Maybe I'll hang myself. Maybe I already did. But I'm scared of that too because I've heard that hurts a lot in the end. Your last few moments in horrible pain. It's not for me. Maybe that's why I've always tried sleeping tablets. To pass away calmly in my sleep. That's all I really want. Painless and unconscious. For once.

Tonight was also so so so so horrible. When I got home no one was there so I sat on the couch with my SAT book. Finally my parents came home and I kind of threw a hello over my shoulder. My mom started immediately yelling because she thought I didn't say hi but I did only she wasn't listening. Then she ignored me apologizing so I repeated it and she glared at me for that. Then she started yelling about how hard her day was, haveing to come with me to the doctors, going to Phillips practice. Then I told her my day wasn't exactly the easiest ever and I mentioned that I passed out. Then she started SCREAMING about that. That if that really happened that I would have made a big deal about it. And then she was just like "I don't want to hear you in my kitchen. This is my house." And I said this is my home too. And my dad just said, no lie, "This isn't your home. You just live here." Why do I even exist. They don't want me or love me or even like me at all. I'm nothing. I'm so so so tired of everything. Just that phrase. "This isn't your home... You just live here." It kills me. It really does.

The Truth

Because all life is just one giant screaming match and slamming my face against a wall.

That and hoping to die.

Today Was Shitty, Like Usual

I'm not entirely sure why I expect anything different from my days. Looked forward to Ben coming over the whole fucking day and its always a question of when he's actually going to arrive and it started out being 6:30 then it was 7 and then 7:30 and when tutoring had ended at that time he hadn't even left the house so when my parents asked when he would be here I told them his mom wasn't home yet so he didn't know and all of the sudden it's "NOPE he's not coming over! I don't give a shit if you've been looking forward to this all day and it's really the only thing keeping you going... NOPE! Why can't you filter this shit and not even ask?" WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I hope you know I took 10 fucking sleeping pills last night in the hope I wouldn't fucking wake up this morning and I'm sooooooo fucking close to doing it again, except 20 this time and I'll make fucking sure you never have to talk to your shitty daughter again. I hate this house so much and everything that happens in it. I hate my life and the way I live and all your shit you make me go through. And all you do is complain about how fucking ungrateful I am that you sent me to private school and buy me shit and do favors for me. I WOULD TRADE ALL THAT SHIT JUST FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY LOVE ME FOR A SINGLE FUCKING WEK. I really really honestly would. But that's not possible all I get to hear is how shitty a person I am ad how much I've disappointed you and how I'm not trying hard enough. What about the words "I can't take this anymore!" do you not understand because you keep throwing this shit right back at me and just when I think it's over and I'm curled in a ball crying in my room you come in and rub my nose in it a little more because GOD ISN'T THIS FUN?

Well it certainly fucking isn't.

Another Failure

To add to my ever growing list of things I can't fucking do.

In This Moment

And it all comes to a point. A climax. An ultimatum.

In this Moment.

Tears.

Screaming.

Throwing things.

"You deserve everything you get!"

"You treat us like crap!"

"You will never make it to Chapel Hill or Athens!"

"Last semester!"

"NO!"

"HATE!"

And so that leads to

10 sleeping tablets

And Goodbyes

And "I'll miss you."

And "I love you."

And "I'm sorry."