Today Was Shitty, Like Usual

I'm not entirely sure why I expect anything different from my days. Looked forward to Ben coming over the whole fucking day and its always a question of when he's actually going to arrive and it started out being 6:30 then it was 7 and then 7:30 and when tutoring had ended at that time he hadn't even left the house so when my parents asked when he would be here I told them his mom wasn't home yet so he didn't know and all of the sudden it's "NOPE he's not coming over! I don't give a shit if you've been looking forward to this all day and it's really the only thing keeping you going... NOPE! Why can't you filter this shit and not even ask?" WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I hope you know I took 10 fucking sleeping pills last night in the hope I wouldn't fucking wake up this morning and I'm sooooooo fucking close to doing it again, except 20 this time and I'll make fucking sure you never have to talk to your shitty daughter again. I hate this house so much and everything that happens in it. I hate my life and the way I live and all your shit you make me go through. And all you do is complain about how fucking ungrateful I am that you sent me to private school and buy me shit and do favors for me. I WOULD TRADE ALL THAT SHIT JUST FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY LOVE ME FOR A SINGLE FUCKING WEK. I really really honestly would. But that's not possible all I get to hear is how shitty a person I am ad how much I've disappointed you and how I'm not trying hard enough. What about the words "I can't take this anymore!" do you not understand because you keep throwing this shit right back at me and just when I think it's over and I'm curled in a ball crying in my room you come in and rub my nose in it a little more because GOD ISN'T THIS FUN?

Well it certainly fucking isn't.