Tonight.

How do I turn out like this? That's what always fly across my head. What in the world did I do to have all these things running through me... Today my parents pulled me from school to make me go to the doctor's for a sign off for blood work and an MRI in their desperate attempt at seeing what's wrong with me. Can't they see it's them? It's how they treat me, how they talk to me, how they never listen to me. It's everything. The ignoring, the faces, the exasperated noises, the whispers, the comments. Everything. It pushes me closer and closer to the edge of this giant, grey cliff sitting at the corner of my mind and when I look down off the edge, thinking Maybe if I jump it'll all end I see pointy rocks and rolling rapids and certain death. And every time they shove me up to the drop with their little finger pokes and massive shoves, I consider jumping. Fuck, I'd like to. But I'm too cowardly. I'd need some way that doesn't hurt, I'm afraid of the pain. Recently I researched into Antifreeze poisoning.  But that's three days of torment. I need something fast. Where I turn out like a light. Switch! and Gillian is gone. Forever. Never to feel the pain of words again. Immune to the daggers flung at her every day. Peaceful. On into the next life.

I believe in reincarnation. I have a real hard time imagining all of the world's dead people galavanting around on clouds in golden sunshine. Eternally. So I believe in something I feel is far more practical. Reincarnation. I grasp on to the desperate hope that I will receive a second chance. To live a happy life. One where I don't cry every night and wish to be dead and beyond everything else. I want that for my next life. Maybe in my last life I killed myself too. Got it all over with and just drew a knife across my own throat. Red blood spurting. Maybe I'll hang myself. Maybe I already did. But I'm scared of that too because I've heard that hurts a lot in the end. Your last few moments in horrible pain. It's not for me. Maybe that's why I've always tried sleeping tablets. To pass away calmly in my sleep. That's all I really want. Painless and unconscious. For once.

Tonight was also so so so so horrible. When I got home no one was there so I sat on the couch with my SAT book. Finally my parents came home and I kind of threw a hello over my shoulder. My mom started immediately yelling because she thought I didn't say hi but I did only she wasn't listening. Then she ignored me apologizing so I repeated it and she glared at me for that. Then she started yelling about how hard her day was, haveing to come with me to the doctors, going to Phillips practice. Then I told her my day wasn't exactly the easiest ever and I mentioned that I passed out. Then she started SCREAMING about that. That if that really happened that I would have made a big deal about it. And then she was just like "I don't want to hear you in my kitchen. This is my house." And I said this is my home too. And my dad just said, no lie, "This isn't your home. You just live here." Why do I even exist. They don't want me or love me or even like me at all. I'm nothing. I'm so so so tired of everything. Just that phrase. "This isn't your home... You just live here." It kills me. It really does.