Contradiction

In out

Every breath promises me

I am still 

Alive

My heart hurts

Stabbing pains over dull ache

Convince me

I'm dying

Why

Is the most terrifying thing

We do

To live

And 

The least painful, coincidentally

Is

Dying

Twice

I feel like I must

Live some sort of

Hollow life stuck

In my hard shell

My tears don't spring

From a gentle fountain

But instead bubble

From runoff. 

Emotions won't come

To me unless it's 

Through the pixelated

Silver of the tv.

I'm made of cotton

No longer flesh and fat

But spun from the 

Dusty crop.

I can't force myself

To feel to feel to feel

All I can ever be is 

Fucking empty. 

Who the hell decided

To make me this way

So goddamn full of

Absolutely nothing

Decay

I wonder if I concentrated

If I could peel away my skin.

To focus my mind

And watch flesh slough away

From my white bones. 

To think hard enough 

And watch yellow fat liquefy

And drip from my ribs

To form slippery puddles 

On the cold ground

Stringy muscles pulled taught

By sinews snap and wither

Twisting to nothing.

All the strength I held 

Turned to rubber bands.

Feel my tongue swell

Then blacken with disease

Until it bursts

And liquid pours from 

My open mouth.

My eyes dim to darkness

Then filmy, milky lenses

Roll from my skull 

Bouncing to the ground

Leaving unfathomable depths

Finally my bones snap

Weakened from years

Of carrying the world

And clatter together in pieces

No larger than a breath. 

Fire

We dip and sway,

Caught in the gentle waves.

Floating on air

Turning with the winds.

And outside my window

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

A carpet of glittering cities

Spreads underneath me

Rainbow like a film of oil

Slick on a water's surface. 

And on the horizon 

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

Chill bites my skin

Through the window 

Frosted with tiny snowflakes

That I study in silence

And through the crystals I see

The sky is on fire,

The sky is on fire

With a tiny bump

I shatter through the fog

The earth swallows me

Telling me I am home

And I whisper to myself

My heart is on fire,

My heart is on fire. 

Smoke and Tears

And how the fuck did we get here?

How the fuck did we get here?

Crying in a church parking lot,

Chain smoking, the three of us. 

We're all sobbing at our fucking wreck of a life,

We're nothing

We're no one.

Useless. 

I love you 

I love you. 

My friends. 

My heart sisters. 

But why are we crying? 

Puffing out clouds in the chilly air. 

Crouched on the ground,

Leaning against your jeep. 

Trying to laugh 

But we can only cry. 

We're fucked up,

We've got problems. 

How will we ever find what we're looking for?

We won't,

We won't. 

We're stuck here forever,

Twenty years old, 

Crying and smoking,

Trying not to fade away

Like we've seen our parents do. 

All we want is happiness,

Is that too much to ask?

From the sandy ground 

Of a Florida church parking lot

Surrounded by smoke and tears. 

Pain

  It stings now.

Looking at the blood on your fingertips

From pulling on the strings so hard

To try to piece this together

One last time.

It hurts. 

As tears drip off your eylashes

And fall into your bushy hair below

And your sobs echo loudly

Through the house. 

It aches. 

Your red heart in your chest. 

Each heartbeat a fluttering fight

To lead to the next and not stop 

Because we all know broken hearts

Can kill. 

It's a smarting, twinging, throbbing pain.

Making it hard to imagine one more second. 

But tomorrow will be better. 

One Million Years

I could love you

One million years

And

I'd still have more

Love to give

Ugh

Sometimes I realize how

Fucked up I was before, 

And I'm glad I somehow

Lived through high school because 

Goddamn

That was close.

Beyond the Stars

Liquid fire runs through my veins

And burns with every pump

From my smoldering, blistering heart.

My bones are filled with sea water

Not marrow, and they call to the

Distant ocean with every move I make.

And I'm sure that if I leapt from this cliff

The wings folded against my vertebrae

Would spread and lift me high

Into the clear, crisp sky and across

This valley I look down into.

Until I reached beyond the clouds

And beyond the stars and

Into your arms. 

Rose Garden

With a deep sigh

I uncoiled the thorns that 

had grown in my lungs.

And instead, I planted

A rose garden and

I watered it with 

Unneeded tears

And sweet scented air.

The first I had tasted

In many, many weeks.

Not Beautiful

She was not beautiful. 

There was something about her that

wasn't mahogany hair and

Leaf green eyes that shine like spring. 

She wasn't long tanned legs that

Stretched for days or

A laugh that hung in the air like fairy bells.

Nothing about her was splendid and

She certainly wasn't a swim in a warm lake

Naked and giggling while the sun kisses skin.

She wasn't curves in all the right places

And gentle fingers brushing skin. 

No fresh bite of watermelon or 

the sweet taste of sugar on the lips. 

She wasn't beautiful.

Instead she was withered. 

One look said she'd been hallowed out

And was now the empty husk, 

The exoskeleton of a beetle 

Found behind the dresser and swept away.

She was pale skin, translucent bones,

The feeling that one touch might shatter 

This glass figurine posing as a girl. 

She was nails bitten to the quick and

A cold winter wind on the back of the neck. 

The feeling of being watched and a

desire to run away as fast as possible. 

She was poison to touch

Transmitted through the skin. 

When I Die

Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better… Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved.
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die; People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away

Opened

My skin cries out to me and once more I desire to part it like I used to. I need to see if I'm really alive, if silvery moonlight bursts through the crack in my flesh. Will I ooze out life? Opaque and shimmering, drip dropping in little beads to the floor. When I cut myself open will stars and galaxies pour forth, free from their prison? Pulsing with my heart, will they bathe me in the relief I crave? Do they live inside me? Or were they swallowed up by the black hole I sometimes feel? Am I alive?

Helpless

Sometimes I remember that my body isn't mine. Not like it used to be. Because  you took what wasn't yours. What I told you that you couldn't have. I said no, you had it anyways. I wish I could erase that night. It kills me. It's a ripping, dripping wound in my soul. There are some things that can kill you just as much as a knife or a rope. 

Woven

Trembling fingers 

Weave 

The golden threads

Between us 

How many

Nights did we spend

Sitting on the 

Front porch

Trying to count all

The stars

In the vaporous 

Night sky

Enough

That when I 

Look to the heavens

All I see in the

Constellations

Is your smile

And when the chilly

Night wind

Pinches my cheeks

And rustles my hair

I feel your touch

And

Hear your voice

My body sings

As my shawl

Of shining gold

That I wove from

You and me

Warms my shoulders

And kisses my skin

Tuesday

It'll be just like last time

On Tuesday

We'll drink vodka 

Laughing on your living room floor

Finally, we'll both get tired of pretending

And you'll lunge at me

Pushing me down on the cheap carpet

Lips on mine the whole time

We'll laugh through the others mouth

Your hands creeping up my shirt

And

And

And

Until it's useless and I'll take it off

(I think I left it under the coffee table)

Then you'll take of yours

My hands shaking

From excitement lust

And

And

And

I unhook your bra

I'm good at that by now

You take off mine

We laugh again

At ourselves 

Then our lips are together again 

And I'm still laughing

Because look at me

Just like the first time 

In your old dorm room long ago

I didn't know what to do 

But we were both drunk and

I'd gone to bed with no bra on

And

And

And

This time we giggle

On the living room floor 

Touching

Until we move to that same bed in a different bedroom 

And our giggles turn to moans

And god you feel so good

I love your skin

Your hands in my hair

What we do

And

And

And

Talk

I hear talking all around me

But I can't tell what the 

Voices are saying. 

Night Wish

I stand straight 

On the cliff edge, the world spread

Like a glittering carpet beneath me

The night sky

A tapestry of swirling blue black purple

With smatterings of 

Bright stars

That glint and laugh and twirl their 

Shining skirts

In the heavens above me and all 

I wish for 

Is to finish the ladder I've been

Building so I can start my climb

Up up up beyond the moon

To them 

I'll bring my bag of 

Captured sunlight from a 

Dancing stream

I've been collecting for years

And I'll weave myself a skirt that

I'll slip into 

So I too can join the stars 

And people miles below me

Will look up and see my twinkling

Cloths and hear my bell laugh 

And say

What a beautiful night. 

Psalm 8

O Lord our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! who hast set thy glory above the heavens.

Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger.

When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.

Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:

All sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field;

The fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas.

O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!

Hypocrite

You always told me to be louder,

That whispers command no respect. 

But when screamed I out all my pain,

You asked me to be quiet again. 

Stars, Salt, and Marrow

You were the stars in my night sky,

The salt in my wide sea,

And the marrow in my heavy bones.

But now the night is black, 

The sea, bitter,

And my hallow bones crack

At the merest touch. 

Breathe Out

Every breath out

Was filled with

Galaxies, universes, solar systems

Of things I could have said. 

But didn't. 

Begone

You never leave me.

I've been writing about you

For too many months. 

Summer

I craved what you did.

The feel of your hands and breath,

But you were too cruel. 

I sleep alone

I sleep alone now. 

Though I long to feel your touch,

I'm learning to cope. 

The Monsters in Men

And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.

All 'cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love

You love, love, love
When I know you can't love me

So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Til it was near morning

All 'cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love

You love, love, love
When I know you can't love me

Playing Games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you.

Everything I do. 

I miss you all the time.

Heaven was a place on earth with you. 

Tell me why you do the things you do?

I heard that you love the new girl, honey, is that true? 

It's harder than I ever even knew.

I'd give up my whole world just for you. 

Only worth living if somebody is loving you.

Ah baby won't you do? 

Here

I guess I'm the one who moans about my problems. 

But only through the binary coding of the keyboard ABCs.

I rant and ramble about boys who won't love me and the way I look when I bleed from loneliness.

I write detailed evaluations of the boys who fuck me.

Then leave me. 

I've talked about the feeling of my heart in bloom. 

The springtime bursts of love that fill me up. 

Then the chills of winter that leave my garden dead once more.

I come across as a needy child.

But I guess that's all I am. 

Failure

Of all of the people who have said and done me wrong I hate myself the most.

You With Her

I'm laying on the grass looking up through the clear sky and warm sunshine kisses me. But I'm drowning. How could a day so pretty choke the life out of me. All I want now is you back. But you have someone new who you fall asleep holding. And all I can do is cry. And the water level rose until it poured into my mouth, open from begging you to come back. It swept down my throat and into my lungs and its drowning me until I'm just as dead as I used to be. Before you. When my skin cried from knifed open eyes and I counted to six hundred each day. But you were the sun that dried my tidal waves and I think the happiest I've ever been was when I'd wake up in the middle of the night to your arm across my body and your face buried in my hair. I wish there was a way for me to tell you how much those nights healed me. I never once thought about all the ghosts that haunted me. You chased them away. I was happier than if been for ages. But now that's ended and I just watched you walk across the campus with her reflecting on your eyes

Wants

There's so much I want for myself.

To be loved.

To have someone hold me at night.

A friend who values me.

People who respect me.

To look halfway decent.

To lose 40 pounds.

To love someone.

To love me.

No one

There's absolutely no one for me anymore.

Fairy Tale Pt. 2

The princess was crushed to hear her best friend went through the exact same ordeal. With the exact same boy. In the exact same way.

Luckily Princess Stevie stole $40 from his wallet before she wandered home.

Update

I can barely get out of bed again.

I'm often alone.

I'm disgusted with the way I look.

I'm going nowhere.

Forgive Me

There's a massive crush of nothing around me. All I want is you but you ignore me and when I do get up the courage to ask you to come over you ignore me or refuse to kiss me. Like last time. I got too drunk. At sig ep. The place that scares me most. The only boy I liked there, the one I thought was safest. He took me back to his room and took off my clothes. I came home in my leather skirt and his shirt. I tried to go to sleep, I was lonely, lonely, lonely. You came over under some pretenses I made up. You started out nice enough... But then you lost interest. You didn't return my kisses, in fact you turned away. I thought maybe you weren't interested. I fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up to you touching me. I tried to kiss you again. You turned away. You took off the shirt the other boy put on me. You took off my bra and you slid off my panties. You got exactly what you wanted. I did exactly what you wanted. Then you went back to sleep. When we woke up again, this time late late late in the afternoon, I asked if you wanted to get dinner with me. You said no, you had other things to do. You left. Without kissing me. Have I fallen so low that I let you get away with this? I'm sad. I'm pitiful. I texted you. Said I was hurt. Pleaded with you not to do it again. You told me I never even tried. I didn't make it obvious that I wanted you to kiss me. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. God I want to love you. This is killing me. I asked you over last night. For dinner. You responded an hour later. Said you hadn't heard your phone go off. Lies. I said I was at dinner but we could study after. You just read my message. Never responded. Read. Why do you treat me like this. I want to love you. Your best friend got drunk and said you hated me. That I was a regret. How could you treat me this way. You hate me. You hate me. You hate me. Why? This is killing me. I feel so empty, so alone every night. I grew used to your arms around me. To the way we talked. To the way your hands felt on my body. To your words in my ear. To you. Now it's gone and you hate me I guess. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? 

Forgive me. 

I'm pitiful. 

Sleeping alone

Sleeping alone is the lowest form of loneliness I've known.